it's all relative

I'm happy to say that this week is FAR better than last week.... it's funny how your perspective changes after things spiral a bit. Symptoms that were driving me crazy before are a piece a cake now, and I'm not so afraid of herxing anymore! The antibiotics that Anne put me on for C Diff helped me almost immediately... so we are only to assume that is what it was. I have a happy belly! Yay! We are treating it for one more week, and after that, perhaps pulse it every few days to take care of any remaining spores. The only downside (besides the horrid bitter taste of the pill) is that I'm herxing a bit, but it's tolerable. Neck aches, a few muscle cramps, a few little headaches here and there, and a sleepy, fuzzy, forgetful, and flighty mind (I think that's my least favorite- it makes it hard to drive, write, cook, or do practically anything). On Monday I had a magnesium IV treatment that we figured would help, but it knocked me out-- Anne thinks that after trying to hold on so tightly to some semblance of normalcy, that my body was simply giving in, and I tend to think she's right, for yesterday, I had more energy and less pain. And today is off to a good start as well. This springtime weather is certainly helping! I have another treatment next week, and it's early enough I can just come home and sleep for a while if need be. In the meantime, this episode of C Diff has put me at higher risk for getting it again, and many wind up in the hospital with it. So we'll have to be careful when we restart the lyme treatment. I feel very lucky to have a doc who is truly present, accessible, and on top of things.

blechiness

Oh what a week it's been! Up and down as far as my tummy goes.... on Thursday, I was feeling lots better, and we talked about restarting treatment on Monday.... and then Friday, things went south quick. Throughout the afternoon, I couldn't stay away from the bathroom, and the chills started. Anne told me that if this kept up, I'd need to go into Labcorp first thing Monday morning and get tested for C Diff.... which is a nasty bacterial infection that attacks the lining of the intestines, and can happen when antibiotics throw off the balance of good and bad bacteria in the gut. It can be very dangerous if left untreated. Shortly thereafter, I developed a fever.... so at that point, with Labcorp closed for the weekend, Anne suggested we go ahead and treat for C Diff just in case. I welcomed any solutions at that point... I hadn't had a fever like that in YEARS, and I felt like I was on my way out, if you know what I mean. Every symptom I have had during this whole entire fiasco reared up its ugly head.... insane muscle cramping to the point I could hardly walk, headache, sore neck, burny skin.... it was frightening, to be honest. So every 8 hours now, I'm taking a different antibiotic that is supposed to kill the little boogers. It was a long night, with a dozen or so trips to the bathroom... but I was happy to wake up in a pool of sweat this morning, meaning my fever had broken. Today has been a slow one.... but luckily I was able to get out into the sunshine a little bit. My temperature has gone up and down, but I haven't gotten nearly as miserable as I was last night. I've been quite sore and tender, and my neck has been hurting so badly today that some moments it seems damn near impossible to hold my head up. Because the antibiotic I'm taking for the C Diff is also used to kill of lyme in its cyst form, Anne thinks some of this might be herxing. So that's the latest. I'm going to keep this brief and to the point, because frankly, the couch is calling me back. Love to you all!

bumps

(I apologize ahead of time for the TMI factor of today's entry!) What's a good adventure without a few bumps to overcome? Yesterday, on day 2 of the antibiotics (an "off" day), I woke up with some tummy troubles. It wasn't horrible or painful, and I had no other symptoms... but it did make it necessary to be close to a bathroom on and off throughout the day. Sigh. After several emails with my practitioner, Anne, we decided that I needed to come off of the antibiotics until we can figure this piece out. Some days, this roller coaster seems to have no end. At first, I was convinced that we were jumping the gun. I mean, high doses of antibiotics are surely going to affect things in there, especially for someone like me, who is extra sensitive to conventional medications because I hardly ever use them. And I wasn't cramping, and didn't have a fever or chills. I figured this was the beginning of a herx and felt ready to take it on. But my bowel movements were not quite "normal" for a few days BEFORE (not at all like yesterday's, but still, not ideal). I honestly hadn't thought anything of it... it just felt like my body was cleansing, due to the diet changes I'd been making and the fresh detox juice I'd been drinking. But this still concerned her, because things really need to be clear in order to proceed safely. It could be that I have some sort of stomach virus, or it could be that I'm reacting to one of the other recently added supplements.... but until we cut things out and add things back in, we won't know for sure, and we might be doing more harm than good. We are assuming at this point that the antibiotics were not the cause of my troubles, even thought they obviously worsened them... but of course, figuring this out requires some trial and error. Anne calls this "starting bumps." It doesn't mean anything but that we need to strengthen one more area before we begin again. And as most of you already know, patience is not my forte. I'm so sick of being sick. And I hate being in a place of reaching for a "normal" that isn't MY normal, but is just a few steps above where I'm at. Hhhhrumph. After eating mostly BRAT foods, my tummy troubles seemed better by yesterday evening, although I was up a couple of times over night, and again this morning. My honey made me toast and scrambled eggs and apple sauce for breakfast, and I'm laying low today. In the meantime, I will send Anne daily "poop reports", and we will take this day by day. And I will remind myself, over and over again, that this is progress.... it may feel like otherwise at times, but we are still moving forward, despite a few bumps.

here we go

Just back from my appointment with my practitioner, and we are ready to begin the "induction" phase of my treatment! This is where we slowly build up the ammo before what she calls the "nuclear annihilation" (tee hee).... I came home with 7 prescription orders. Four of these are antibiotics, and the rest are for sleep, pain, and muscle cramps (I only plan to use those if I'm desperate, but she insists that the body won't heal if it's not sleeping or if it's constantly in pain, which I get, so here's where my old all-natural hippy ways may get stretched a bit!). I also have several herbs at the ready as well to help with herxing and detoxing, and a monster bag of epsom salts, hydrogen peroxide, and herbs for daily baths and foot soaks. It'll be like living at a spa (not!). She has me following a protocol that moves in "rounds" or "cycles". I will begin the first 3 week round on Monday, as it's easier to keep track of on a Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule. She is starting me off on what she says are "baby" doses, but in reality, they are what most would typically receive for a regular (not chronic) infection. Each of the antibiotics address different issues. At the end of the first week (and every 3rd week thereafter), I'll head to Lab Corps and have what's called "safety labs," to make sure my body is handling everything well. Every third week, I'll be off of all meds, and it's touted that these are the times I'll start feeling improvements, subtle at first, but noticeable.... they are evidently like breaths of fresh air in a sea of stinkiness! I will also be going to another local doctor a few times in the next few weeks to receive magnesium infusions.... this is supposed to help with my fatigue and muscle pain that are expected to worsen a bit as we dive into treatment. While I have a plan, what happens from here on out is a mystery. It's quite possible I could start herxing rather quickly, or I may not feel ANYTHING until the next round when we increase things if all goes well. Everyone is different. So we shall see! We are taking everything in stride.... although truth be told, I'm super duper, stubbornly determined to go to the beach at the end of the month as planned, no matter what. I will have just ended my first "off" week, so hopefully, I'll be feeling pretty good.... and will begin my second round while we're there. Call us crazy, but we've even scheduled a little kayaking tour, and the woman said she'd tow me if need be! Squeee! I'm trying not to worry about my workshop happening on the 21st (although truth be told, I am a natural born worrier). I will have just ended my second week of antibiotics, and so if I do have intense herxing, it could throw a wrench into my plans. But again, maybe (and hopefully) not! Unfortunately, there's no magic crystal ball to foretell how it will all unfold. So here is where I learn to trust in the universe. Trust in myself and in my choices. Trust in the the understanding of the women who are just as excited to be in circle as I am. Trust that all will be well no matter what happens. In other news, I took Zoe to our family doctor yesterday to have some bloodwork done. While she's a pretty healthy kid, there's not been a day in her life when she hasn't complained of being tired several times a day.... and this whole Lyme thing has had us wondering. So she had some blood taken (poor girl didn't like that), in order to investigate her iron levels and do a thorough thyroid workup... and of course, we requested a Western Blot. We feel very blessed that our family doctor is on board with all of this... she even said that even though "they" (the CDC) keep telling them (the docs) that there is no Lyme in North Carolina, she is seeing more and more cases. The good news is that eyes are opening. Slowly but surely.

delicious ambiguity

After the last couple of weeks of wintriness, I've been feeling a bit far removed and isolated from folks... which honestly feels a bit vulnerable as I set out to begin treatment this Friday, the 6th. I am SO ready.... and while this morning my muscles are very achey and I still have days on which I can hardly stay awake and I get overwhelmed and stressed way too easily, I feel stronger and more energized than I did a month ago. The snow days have afforded me lots of time to rest, I've cleaned up my diet quite a bit, and the new supplements and hormones my practitioner started me on seem to be helping as well. Yet I am also feeling tender and intimidated by the unknowns, reliving the same ones I confronted a month ago when I then thought I was about to start treatment.... how will the antibiotics affect me? will I have severe herx/detox reactions? will I be able to lead the circle I have planned for the 21st? will I be able to go to the beach with my family at the end of the month as planned? what if this happens? what if that happens? Gilda Radner calls it "delicious ambiguity".... “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.” My mission this week is to try and lean into the deliciousness of it.... easier said than done... but I shall put forth a valiant effort! :) Perspective is everything. My neighbor just died of cancer yesterday morning, and his wife and son woke up this morning for the first time without him. Things could be soooo much worse. I am TRULY blessed.