greeting adversity with love

(by artist Leah Pearlman of Dharma Comics)

Just a few moments ago, I looked up from my desk and right outside my window, there was deer standing there looking at me. Being me, I immediately grabbed my Power Animal book, and re-familiarized myself with deer medicine...  

Deer is all about gentleness and love and grace and instinct and protection. All things that are really big for me right now. 

While enjoying a week off of meds and the added physical challenges that come with that, the emotional/mental/spiritual side of things have had the extra space to arise...  I've been trying to take every opportunity to greet adversity with love, and admittedly, this isn't always easy for me.  I'm needier these days than I feel comfortable being, quite frankly. And so adversity feels scarier, and I'm finding myself having to really put forth the effort on many levels to open myself to it, to witness it, to be with it....  with as much love as I can muster. 

In two weeks my honey is going to go to Indiana to visit her family. It simply can't be put off any longer. Her folks are getting on in age and have health issues, and I know to Deena, it feels like there's a bit of urgency in mending some tears in the family fabric. We hadn't been in quite a while due to a family squabble that happened four years ago with her sisters that was never resolved and never really spoken about since.  Deena and her sisters are fine now...  maybe what I've always assumed was their tendency to sweep things under the rug is really a stubborn resilience born from the willingness to let go, which is something I could perhaps use a little more of...  but who knows, and at this point, does it really matter? We are all just doing the best we can. 

So Deena is going without me, not because of the squabble, but because I am simply not well enough to make such a quick trip, as we don't have the time off or funds to make this a longer, more relaxed visit. And I also can't risk adding more stress to my body right now. And riding in the car while taking Mepron?  Uh, no.  It causes me to have motion sickness up the wazoo.

So in two weeks, she and Noah will load up a rental car, drive eight hours on a Friday, spend the weekend with her family, and then head back the following Monday. Bing, bang, boom, just like that. This has me feeling a bit more insecure than usual. It's loaded with my own sadness leftover from feeling scorned and judged by the sisters, and a continued lack of closure for me around all that... tripled by my fear of her leaving during a week that I'm treating and possibly feeling like crap... made even more intense by my worry about her driving all that way without help, not fully rested because she will no doubt be working extra hours before and after to make up for the time off... and topped off with the fact that this is going to put a dent in our finances, since her boss is unwilling to give her any more vacation time.    

Sigh. 

But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, no matter how much anxiety comes up around it. I've gotten quite familiar with that these last months. And sometimes I'm not very good at it. Sometimes I just want to throw a tantrum. Sometimes I want to just bury myself under the covers, or escape into stupid (un)reality shows on Netflix and Hulu. And sometimes I want to keep my family home, safely tucked inside our house where lyme-carrying ticks and bears and grumpy people can't get to us...  

Just now, my eyes widened out of pure surprise at the fact that seeing that deer today didn't immediately trigger a hyper-paranoia around deer ticks!  I think that's an excellent sign, don't you? In fact, the deer that visited me today instead reminded me to face adversity with a gentle grace. With a humbleness and quiet and unconditional love that opens me and those around me, rather than shuts us all down, isolates us, or gives us the illusion of feeling safe and protected. 

So in two weeks, I will envision a light wrapped around Deena and Noah I wave them off with a smile that hides my tears...  and maybe I'll even make cookies or something to send on to the sisters. And Zoe will stay home with me. There will no doubt be take-out and naps and nail polish and a mushy movie marathon if anyone is interested in joining us.