BIG

I had my post-op followup yesterday, and I'm healing up just fine, and most of my restrictions have been lifted. The only time I really have pain now is when I sneeze. And when I say pain, I mean PAIN. But atleast it's shortlived.

I'm also back on track this week with my meds... I'm feeling pretty tired today, after not having slept well last night, but other than that, I've surprisingly been feeling pretty good. I wonder...  could it be that a whole bunch of the lyme was hiding out in my gall bladder and is now gone?  Keeping my fingers crossed that this is lasting...

My most troubling issue at the moment is that I'm feeling more than a little cut off from my creative self. I haven't felt like writing or making art. At all. I've been caught up in practical things, like laundry and grocery shopping and taking the dog for long walks in the sunshine-- I guess because for a couple of weeks, I couldn't do those things and I missed them. Goes to show how magical the mundane can really be if we just pay attention. And being willing to see the world that way IS a creative act, if you ask me. So perhaps I'm not as far from my muse as I seem to think I am.

One of the things I hope will shift this is that my friend Paula and I have decided to launch into a "secret" creative project together. And this feels good. Becuase my creative work is usually put out there in the world so openly...  and this time, I'm doing it just for me...  for the sake of tickling my creative funny bone, and getting me inspired once again to write and paint and maybe pick up my guitar a few times a week.  I think I've been resisting the small things lately, like art journaling and blogging and I've even gotten laxidazical about my nightly gratitudes...   because I'm feeling foggy when it comes to the vision of who I want to be in the world at the moment.

For a while, I kept thinking that in order to make sense of this illness, or to make it all "worth it," there needs to be something BIG to come out of it, like a book, a publishing deal, paintings that line the walls of galleries.... I was taught by all sorts of coaches to reach for my BIGness, and to never allow anything to get in the way of that.  But that's a hell of a lot of pressure that really doesn't amount to a cozy environment for healing the body and a tender heart.  I'm finding now that my mission is finding BIGness in the little things...  and discovering "success" inside of myself, rather than on the outside.

Speaking of big, I'll also be going to see Elizabeth Gilbert in a couple of weeks as she celebrates the release of her new book, Big Magic. I've only just begun to read it, because I'm reading that and Brene Brown's new book, Rising Strong, at the same time, which for me is somewhat like tackling a marathon, but I can't seem to put either one of them down! But I will say this... Big Magic is the book I've been trying to write for  the last, I don't know, five years (doggonit). Seriously. Although Liz Gilbert reminded me herself in a recent interview with Marie Forleo that "I'm allowed to add to the pile"--  meaning that yes, it's been done before, but it has not yet been done by me.  So I'm not giving up just yet.

I'm not sure where all this will lead me. Will I lead circles again?  I really don't know. Will I create a deck of wild woman oracle cards?  Hopefully, but I can't say for sure. Will I ever finish my book? Maybe, maybe not. All I can do in this moment is reach for the little things and tiptoe toward what makes me feel dreamy, trusting that eventually, the landscape will become clear again.