what's to come

After a long break in treatment due to gall bladder surgery, and then finishing up the Lyme/Babesia targeting phase, I saw my lyme doc this morning for the first time in what seems like months. It was a tough appointment. Not because we're not on the right track and it's all going to hell in a ham basket. But because I am emotionally just worn to pieces. It's been a very FULL few weeks here in my world, with a sick cat and a home study being done so that Deena and I and our kids can be a family in the eyes of the law (after we've really already been a family for going on eighteen years), along with the usual trials and tribulations of being mama to a 12-year-old-boy-going-on-16, and a daughter who is currently taking driver's ed, and gosh darn it, why hasn't HGTV called us yet to let us know that we've won our dream house in Asheville?

Deeeeep breath.

Every time I meet with my doctor and go over what's to come, I get overwhelmed and emotional. This time was clearly no exception. We are about to jump into the harshest phase of treatment that hopefully I will ever have to experience.  This next phase will also be the longest....  a whole freaking four months long.  This brings more grief up in me....  about circles I'll need to continue to put off, about where I imagined I would be and how I'd feel next spring, about, well, everything.

Not only that, but no more dilly dallying diet-wise...  she wants me to omit even more things....  which is overwhelming to me not only because I'm admittedly a carb addict, but because when I'm on these meds, it's like my taste buds get all messed up, and I am extremely finicky about whatever I put into my mouth. As many of you know, I'm already a very healthy eater for the most part....  but honestly, sardines and bone broth and cauliflower don't sound so appetizing right now.... even though I usually love them. And to top it off, eating the way I need to eat right now requires a lot of cooking time (and energy). Deena was so sweet, trying to comfort me and telling me that we'll cook together on the weekends and that she'll eat sardines too....  but the truth is, we have two kids who I can tell you right now will not eat sardines.

Well, shit.

This I know. I've done it before, and I can do it again. I have paleo and Wahl's protocol recipes and cookbooks up the wazoo. I know how to implement it. And damnit, come hell or hight water, I will.

I know I sound a bit gruesome right now.  Will someone please pass the tissues?

But there's good news too. My doctor, probably due to my obvious tear-stained overwhelm and the intense looks I gave her every thirty seconds during our two hour appointment, has decided to put me on the "easier" abbreviated version of this next phase...  you see, it's all relative.  I can be bummed that I have to do it to begin with, or I can be grateful that I'm not doing the harsher version of it.  I guess I'm somewhere in between in this moment...  and hope to be more on the grateful side perhaps tomorrow, once all of this has a chance to sink in....  of course, I might have to be reminded of it all being relative once I start the meds.

But I don't have to take anything today or tomorrow or for the next 11 days. And actually, my doctor also encouraged me to take an additional week off (again probably due to the fact that I was weeping through much of our appointment)...  so really, it's more like 18 days free of meds. Hallelujah.

So for this eighteen days, I'll be focusing on diet. And savoring this imperfect life as much as I possibly can.  And tonight, I'll go see Liz Gilbert with my daughter and some dear, dear friends, and hopefully won't cry through the entire thing.

( I really wanted to come on here today and NOT write about Lyme. I really wanted to write about my session with Fancy the therapy horse yesterday. But for now, I'll save that for another day, or maybe for my other, less Lymey blog.  In the meantime, that's her in the picture above....  I wish so badly that I could spend some time every day with her. )