a slice of the journey

"Self-Discovery" by Rita Loyd....  www.nurturingart.com

Week 2 of Round 2 of Phase 2...  that's gotta be good luck, right?

I had my doctor appointment on Monday...  a time to check in, introduce my doc to my parents who were visiting, and plan out the next several weeks of treatment. Aside from intense fatigue and some slightly elevated liver enzymes, I'm doing pretty well. Although I will admit, if I had written this morning, it may have been a completely different story, as I had a particularly hard time taking my meds today. Thankfully last week, I was able to switch from the Mepron (the nasty bright yellow sludge) to a similar medication in pill form, which is soooooo much easier to take. But I'm still finding that when it comes time to take everything, my body is starting to rebel....  I get nauseous before I even swallow a thing! I hem and I haw, which makes it worse. Every part of me wants to resist. I'll need to find a way to push past this, as I'm told it's only going to get worse as time goes on.

After next week, I'll have two more rounds of this phase...  we'll be adding some things, so they'll likely be a bit more intense. And then after that, as long as I'm still doing well, it'll be time for the REALLY BIG guns. My doc is very honest with me when she says it will be brutal. I'm feeling nervous about it, but really all I can do is come back to right now and not get wrapped up in what's to come.

And truthfully, right now is hard enough. It's a constant challenge to stay in a positive space. I find myself back in that place of feeling like my visions have been all fogged up and muddled...  that my work and the business I created from scratch is no more...  that I have no direction...  that aside from my familiy and my doctor, my support system is waning. Deena worries that I'm depressed....  I prefer to think of it as uncovering another deep well of grief. But I know for certain that beneath it all, even when I'm weeping and feeling sorry for myself, that those things are not gone forever... I know that they're simply peeling away so that I can return to the bare bones of who I am.

Things are about to change once again... Deena and Noah will be going to Indiana for a few days this weekend, and then school will start up next week. I both welcome and dread it. I welcome the time alone to get back to some regular writing and art-making, and the flexibility to rest when my body demands it...  and I dread missing them and feeling swallowed up by an empty house, and figuring out the whole school pick-up thing all over again.  I welcome a sense of routine...  and I dread not being able to sleep in if I feel like sleeping in, and the magical spontaneousness of summertime. I welcome the space to allow my body to speak to me and say no to things that are not conducive to healing... and I dread feeling the pressure and angst when I have no choice other than to pull myself together even when I feel like doo doo.

In the meantime, Zoe and I have plans for music-making and art-making and mushy-movie watching and toenail-painting while we have the house all to ourselves this weekend. And I will try not to be a worry-wort...  but please, if you can spare some easy and safe traveling vibes for Deena and Noah, I would be most appreciative.