bear medicine and rebuilding foundations

Over the last week I've seen two bears...  and on recent trash days, it's been clear that they've been around much more than that, due to the messes they've been leaving around my neighborhood...

The animal medicine cards remind me that bear is all about introspection...  she's about seeking truth and inner knowing, intuituion and instinct. And in some ways, lately, now that the kids are both back in school, I feel as though I've been hibernating, hiding away deep down in the cave of my own longing...

Week 2 of the 3rd round of the 2nd phase has been a little easier than last week... thankfully, I'm not taking quite as much stuff. I am experiencing some loss in appetite, some belly aches, some mild headaches, nausea, and fatigue....  but I'd say that even more than these few physical symptoms, I'm mostly feeling it emotionally this week. Interestingly, I've noticed that my heart feels more open, like a window letting in the breeze and warmth of the sunshine.  I seem to feel love and compassion a whole lot stronger, which feels really good....  but I also feel everything else a lot stronger as well....  and some of those things aren't nearly as pleasant.

It doesn't help that I've a had a couple of blows this week, including going over to my neighbor's house to let her dog in, and finding that her beautiful black lab, Maggie, had passed away.  So, so sad....

I also have to admit, I haven't been able to completely let go of what happened last week with the carpool situation. I still hurt from all that, not so much from the woman who called that day, but from there seeming to be no carpool at all at this point, as it seems that I've been dropped by all of them now.  And so I've been picking up both kiddos every day since school began... which even though has had me feeling a bit nerdish and left out, has ultimately been fine, and dare I say, even welcome... for now. I'm just not sure how long I'll be able to keep it up, and I struggle within myself as I try to decipher if things are truly okay, or if they just have to be okay, because that's the only option there is.

I suppose I'm feeling extra sensitive to what feels like the loss of friendship and tribe, as I find myself questioning and trying to understand the motives and intentions of those around me, and moving in and out of a screw-the-world kind of place, not wanting to trust anyone. I'm tired of bullshit and pretense and dancing around my illness so as not to make others feel uncomfortable. It's exhausting. And while I have such a rich online community that seems to really care, I'm tired of wondering why so few of my local friends call me up and ask how I am. Is it just that Lyme disease is so very misunderstood? Do people not realize how very hard and lonely this journey can be? Or is it just me, clinging to the struggle?

And so I come stumbling back to the red thread again, and remember that all I need to be responsible for is me, this spot right here, and that their story is their story, not mine. And it comes down to owning my own life, trusting my own inner mama-bear knowing, and choosing in this very moment what I wish to surround myself with....  and that is truth, deep caring, shared vulnerability, getting down to the bare naked nitty gritty of what's real and meaningful, loving and sustainable.

And so I'm doing some letting go and deconstructing of some of the illusions that I've built up around myself. I'm emptying myself of extraneous stuff. I'm paring down my address book, and letting go of people who don't seem to give a flying fig about what's going on with me. I'm cleaning out the cabinets and getting rid of the food that no longer nourishes me. I'm releasing more pieces of my business, sending out my last newsletter for the time being, simplifying my website and blog.

I don't like how "final" it all feels...  but I know underneath my fear that it's only as final as I want it to be. And I also know, without a smidgeon of doubt, that it's a necessary step in my healing, even though I seem to always be surprising myself with what I'm actually ready to release. It's as though I'm knocking down an old, torn up house in order to build a new one... going through the rubble and determining what boards and nails may be salvagable, and questioning if it's worth the risk to use them again...  tearing down every last piece of what I've always seen as my foundation, in order to create a new one that is strong enough to hold me and all that I've ever dreamed of.

This week:
Monday, Wednesday, & Friday--  Ceftin, Minocin, Malarone, Artemisinin, and Enula