moving with change

"Moving with Change" by Lisa J. Rough

I am soooo happy to be finishing up round 2 of phase 2 with a week off of meds.  Hallelujah. However, while I haven't had any nausea to speak of, I have been having more pain and fatigue than typical for these weeks off. Hopefully tomorrow's magnesium IV will help with that. I think a lot of it is due to a sense of surrender I've been feeling as an oh-so-subtle hint of autumn rolls through the mountains. These last few months have been kind of crazy with summertime shenanigans, and there have been moments that I've completely surprised myself for being able to keep up. I think my body is now like, okay, I can relax now!  Camps are over, family visits are over, and now that Deena and Noah have returned from Indiana, we don't have to travel anywhere for a good long while. 

Honestly, the summer has had me clinging to anything that made me feel "normal," and this last weekend, I crashed emotionally in a big way when all normalcy went flying out the window. With my honey gone and pretty much out of reach, and our back-up supports booked up with their own plans, I found myself wallowing in a sense of abandonment...  confusion...  lonliness...  wondering where the hell I stood in my own life. A healing crisis of sorts, I suppose. Thankfully, by Sunday, I was able to pull myself out of the shadows, and had such a special day with Zoe, who had been witnessing my weepy, self-pitying moments all weekend long. We went to the local Sourwood Festival and got inspired by some amazing artists and entered to win a tiny house and ate gluten free cupcakes, and then we came home and painted for hours on end. 

Phew. Change, whether it's big or little, short or lasting, can certainly be hard... and these days, I'm learning that with Lyme disease, each shift brings with it a whole new, even more intense  slew of challenges. 

Noah is getting ready to go back to school tomorrow, and Zoe will be going back next week, so I find myself in that familiar spot of needing to adapt once again, to get back into a routine, and to dig my heels in and think about how I'm going to spend my time and energy... 

I have decided that it's not yet time to plan a yearlong wild woman circle for next year, with so much uncertainty regarding my treatments. The reality check of what's to come at my last doctor appointment made me realize that it's just too much to add on to my plate at the moment...  that I must ease back into my work slowly, and only when I know I'm ready. This has led to a hefty amount of grief in and of itself. 

When I decided to take this year off, it was clearly a yearlong healing sabbatical.  Now that I've realized that it's necessary to extend that further, I have moments of wondering if life will ever be normal again... However, this painting I did this weekend reminds me of how it sometimes feels to move with change... it can feel pretty bumpy and scary, like riding bare-back, and we find ourselves clinging to that mane for dear life... but once we surrender to the rhythm of the horse, it can be so very freeing.... 

In those moments of surrender, I put together a packet of submissions for the 2017 We Moon Calendar... I've opened up a new Etsy account where I hope to eventually sell prints of my work... I've thought about starting a local lyme/ chronic illness support group....  I've signed up and started to explore MeWe, a new social networking site that seems more intimate and authentic, as I contemplate the need to rebuild a tribe for myself... 

Because the fact is, things will just keep on moving, no matter how hard I cling to "normal"...  and so it's time to create a new legend for myself.