a post-op check-in....

I have been "checking out" a bit since Thursday's surgery, mostly resting and sleeping and resting and sleeping.  Even during the movies that my family rented over the weekend, and during the endless boardgames we played, it seemed that I took advantage of every moment when I could close my eyes, and found myself in a strange, drowsy twilight most of the time.

Today was my first day alone since the surgery, and I've found it necessary to surrender to this need for stillness and sleep, and I'm finding that I can no longer blame it on the pain medicine, as I chose to skip it this morning. It's a strange feeling to not get anything done. To just lay around and watch movies (or rather, sleep through movies) all day long.

Last week's surgery went the best it possibly could. It turns out the person scheduled before me cancelled their surgery, so when I arrived at the hospital, I was immediately caught up in preparations and paperwork, leaving me no time at all to be nervous. At one point, there were nine people scurrying around my little tiny pre-op room, all doing their thing...  taking my blood pressure, putting leg compressing stockings on me, asking about my current meds. It was a whirlwind....  and similarly, what is usually a two hour procedure wound up being 45 minutes long--  laporscopic, as I had hoped. My gall bladder was not infected, but it was enlarged and inflamed, so it's a good thing that it came out when it did. I listened to a guided meditation and music the entire time, and I had my handy dandy wonder woman talisman with me as well-  not that I remember!  I was a very lucky woman, with a super sweet medical team on my side. The next thing I remember after they wheeled me into the operating room was waking up to a very kind nurse in the recovery area, asking me if I'd like some gingerale.

The best part about it all was having a four day weekend with my honey. The worst part was getting rid of the gas trapped in my belly and my shoulders. My friend Whitney came and did her acupuncture magic on me, and that helped tremendously. And now, after several days of relying on others to help me do the most basic of things, I am able to get myself up and down from sitting, I am able to go to the bathroom on my own, and this morning, I even accomplished putting socks on all by myself. Yes, this was huge. Still can't tie my shoes, but that will come in time....  :)  And I have to retrain myself to take deep breaths, as it's much less painful to breathe shallow, and then when I startle or laugh or sneeze, something pinches in there, but other than that, the pain is much better.

Originally, I had thought about taking this week off of lyme-related meds to give myself a breather, after cancelling everything else I had planned....  and I didn't jump back in where I had left off, but my doctor did encourage me to take just two antibiotics to keep my body "in the game" so to speak. They are easy peasy to take, and don't affect me at all....  so I'm happy to oblige, especially knowing that next week, we'll be able to pick up right where we left off, with one more round of the lyme/babesia phase part B to go before we head into the heavier stuff toward the end of October-beginning of November.

So I'm now gallbladder-less.  And it's given me a much broader perspective, as I consider where I am health-wise....  and for that, I am grateful. My dad will soon be having a knee replacement, a facebook friend of mind just underwent brain surgery, another friend is facing a startling increase in her MS symptoms, and next week, I will be back on some more intense meds, leading me to who knows where....  and we all just keep chuggin' along, hoping for the best, knowing that somehow we're being taken care of.

Forgive me for being brief, but I'm a bit uncomfortable sitting here at my computer, so I'm headed back to my cozy spot on the couch for more rest. If any of you locals want to stop by for a visit, give me a call....  I would LOVE that, as I'm here the rest of this week, resting!  Thanks to my dear friend and neighbor, Tracy, I have been relieved of pick-up duty all week long....  which is good, because I am just not ready to drive just yet. But I can tell right away that it's going to get old, real fast, this surrendering to rest. So come see me!

quick lil' update...

I don't want to spend any good amount of time posting about this...  frankly, it makes me feel discombulated in ways that make me seriously want to play Wordbrain and do crossword puzzles all day long, so that I don't have to use the emotional part of my brain! But I wanted to share, for those who are interested. 

I will be having my gall bladder taken out next Thursday, the 24th. The goal is to do a laparoscopy, and if all goes well, I should be able to go home the same day and recovery won’t be so bad. The surgeon did warn me, however, that because I put this off for so long (she referred to the gall bladder attacks I had back in college), and my gall bladder is SO full of stones, I may fit into the 5% who need a bigger incision (ugh!), and that would require a couple of days in the hospital and a much longer and more painful recovery. Sigh. 

I’m trying not to freak out, but I’m not gonna lie… it’s all sinking in, and I’m a bit stirred up.  I've only had one major surgery (a c-section), and that was a whole different thing...  I would up with a baby at the end of it. I imagine that as things sink in further, it will be necessary to ask for help with the kids and with food...  but I'm just not ready to go there right now.  

That being said, I also have to remind myself that I am not the "average American" as far as health and diet goes...  and that hopefully, it will be a quick and easy surgery because I've taken pretty good care of myself for a several years now...  and because, dammit, I am wonder woman, right?? RIGHT?? 

She also said I should be able to pick up my lyme treatment as soon as I’m able to quit taking pain medicines… so hopefully, if the laparoscopy is successful, I’ll be able to resume treatment within a week or two...  Keep your fingers crossed!!!! EEEEK!

monkeys and gall bladders

The trip to the zoo was lovely and challenging all at once...

As we started off on Saturday, we all had a sense of adventure planted deeply in our hearts...  we left good and early, planning to arrive as the zoo was opening at 10am.

Well, just about forty-five minutes or so down the road, we were stopped on the interstate...  turns out that during some blasting they were doing that morning, they had had a bit of a rockslide that closed both lanes. They suggested going back to Asheville, and then getting to Knoxville using a very roundabout way....  another guy told us about a back way we could go that might be quicker.  After some squabbling that nearly led us back home again, we chose the latter.

What was supposed to be a two hour drive wound up being just over four hours, through curvy mountain roads riddled with kudzu and confederate flags. We asked for an adventure, and adventure sure was what we got!

The zoo brought up all of the paradoxical emotions that it usually does...  the joy of being so close to wild animals, and yet, the fact that they are there in the first place broke my heart yet again. The elephants were particularly sad this trip...  they were separated for some reason, and they all seemed bored and restless, swaying back and forth as if trying to comfort themselves.

Eventually, we made our way to the primates, which as far as I'm concerned, is pretty much the only reason to visit a zoo. Most of the gorillas were inside hiding away, as it was quite chilly outside, but both new babies and their mamas were in smaller nurseries where we were able to watch them for a bit. They were adorable....  but the real connection came with the chimpanzees, especially the one pictured above.

When I got there, he was sitting near the window, examining his hands, and what looked like a little scrape on one of them. I sat down next to him, and we proceeded to show one another our hands for fifteen minutes or so, before I swear he made some sort of sign, and then rolled over onto his back. We hung out together for a while just like that, and then, just as the kids were getting impatient with me, he got up and walked away.

On top of the usual mixed zoo feelings, there was also the fact that I wore out a lot easier than I had during past visits....  still, I feel like I held up pretty good, and when we left, we headed into downtown Knoxville for lunch at Tomato Head, which was a slightly insane move seeing as how there was a BIG football game getting ready to happen, and we felt extremely out of place not wearing orange as we navigated our way through lots of traffic.  But it was a good healthy meal... afterwhich my body declared it was DONE.

So we headed to our hotel and relaxed. Luckily, the rockslide was cleaned up by the time we needed to go home the next morning.

I wasn't prepared for Monday morning though. A short weekend away after over a week off of meds felt like a vacation, and it's hard to get back into the swing of things...  not to mention that Monday also means it's time to make some important decisions.

I had my ultrasound this morning, and as I pretty much expected, the woman said it was filled with stones...  she said it was so full of stones that she couldn't see the inside of my gall bladder, but that the wall did not appear inflamed. Now I wait to get the official report through my general doctor's perspective, and we'll go from there.

The thing is, I've been here twice before, once back in college, and once about 4 years ago, when gallstones brought me to my nutritionist in another attempt at avoiding surgery. I've done gall bladder cleanses and I've changed my diet completely, and this time, there's not really that much more I can take out of my diet without feeling like I will be in prison for the rest of my life. Soooo...  I'm doing some hard thinking, and decided not to go back on my meds quite yet.

My friend, Whitney, who is also an acupuncturist, says that in Chinese medicine, the gall bladder is the "decision maker."  How ironic, eh? I can feel my gut leaning in the direction of taking it out (both physically and intuitively!)...  not that I want to, but there's something telling me it's time. I've already been emailing with my lyme doc, and she said while stones alone are not usually enough of an indication to remove it, my history with pain might indeed be, and that she'd rather it be an elective versus an emergency surgery.

If ever there was a time that I wish that all of my doctors and I could sit down and have a powwow, this would be it.

So now, I'm in wait and see mode. I'm in deep breathing mode. I'm in learning to trust my gut mode.  I'm in trying-like-hell-to-be-patient mode.  :)

choices, choices...

I've been putting off an update, because honestly, I haven't known where this week was going to take me, after having some assumed-to-be gall bladder troubles toward the end of last week. Thankfully, I haven't had any major issues since, but it does mean I'll have some interesting decisions to make in the next few days.

I saw my family doctor yesterday who ordered up an abdominal ultrasound. There's the possiblity of a HIDA scan as well, but my two doctors seem to be in disagreement about how important that would be at this point...  which of course is always a good reminder that everyone is going to have their opinion, but I'm truly the boss here, and am capable of listening to my body. While I have moments of feeling rather overwhelmed at the choices to make-- HIDA scan or not, start meds again on Monday or not, and quite possibly surgery or not-- I'm trying my damndest to go with the flow of how I'm feeling right now, which relatively speaking, is pretty darn good. These last few days,  I've had more energy than I've had in a good long while, and my muscle cramping and achiness has dwindled quite a bit! 

The week really took a turn on Tuesday, when the mailman came and brought me the care-package pictured above. This wasn't from anyone I know very well, mind you...  this was from the AMAZING Rebecca Galavan, a fairly new facebook friend who recently launched a project called Smile Boxes for Lyme (http://www.gofundme.com/smileboxforlyme). PLEASE check it out! This is not your average fund raiser...  Rebecca has lyme herself, and has had many challenges....  but she wanted to turn a sour circumstance into something that is a gift to many. What a gigantic heart she has, as she is raising money to send care-packages such as mine to lyme patients all over the country, to ease them from a little bit of their suffering.  This is not something I was expecting at all, and it brought me to tears as I opened it and saw all of the goodies inside...  pajamas, art supplies, probiotics (to a fellow lymie, these are priceless!), bath stuff, yummies. Let me tell you, to have someone acknowledge you in this way...  I see that you're struggling, and I hope this helps a little bit...  is simply magical. And inspiring. And moving beyond belief. And I intend to pay it forward in some way....  still stewing on what that may look like. 

One way is that my dear friend Terry and I have decided to throw together a Chronic Illness Support Circle!  We will be having our first gathering here in Black Mountain on Sunday, October 4th. If anyone reading this is (semi)local and wishes to join us, just holler at me and I'll send you the details...  and you are welcome to pass this on too, as it's open to anyone. It feels good to have put the plan in place for this...  and I'm excited to see what it will become!

On Wednesday, I went to my first official equine-assisted therapy appointment, and met the horses! I'm fairly certain that this is going to change my life in wonderful ways. I wrote a whole blogpost about it on my other blog (http://www.sacredcirclecreativelife.com/heartstream/choosing/) ...  check it out if you're interested. 

Speaking of which, I'm tossing around the idea of narrowing back down to one blog....  I've been torn about this for some time, worried that the folks who read that one aren't necessarily interested in reading this one, and vice versa, and worried that perhaps I'm sharing TOO much...  but as I slowly regain my inner moxie and turn back to some long-awaited writing projects I have been wanting to work on, I'm reminded that really it's all coming from the same place....  and that consolidating would likely conserve energy for diving deeper.  I'm still sitting with this, but I'm suspecting that another change will soon be upon us, and I will let you know if so. 

In the meantime, I refuse to make any decisions until after we venture off to the zoo tomorrow to visit with the gorillas!!!  Squeeeee!!!!!  

who were you?

I am continuing this process of shedding and releasing.... and thankfully, I now have a couple of easier weeks of treatment to keep me headed in that direction. The only thing I'm currently taking is Coartem, yet another anti-Malarial drug for targeting Babesia... I only have to take it for three days, and then I have a WHOLE ELEVEN DAYS off!  I've been having some somewhat debilitating pain in the form of muscle cramping and joint inflammation with this new med, but frankly it beats the last few weeks of nausea and intense lethargy. It's funny how perspective changes like that.  

With hopes that I'll be feeling pretty good during these upcoming eleven days off, we're planning on taking a weekend away in Knoxville to get our gorilla fix.  I have such mixed emotions about visitng and supporting zoos, but I do know that it's imperative for me to have opportunities to connect with creatures great and small--  it's one of those parts of me that has re-emerged in these last few weeks in BIG ways.  

Before the world told me who I should be, I wanted to be a zoologist. And I still have dreams about working with animals in some way. When I lived up in Boston during graduate school, I would spend hours at a time planted in front of the gorillas and chimpanzees at the Franklin Park Zoo. I would unpack my bag for them, and they would sit, their chins propped up on their elbows, eagerly watching whatever would emerge next...  a set of keys, a journal, a pencil, a hair-brush. By the time I left, there would always be a crowd of people watching, but I wasn't in it for fame...  I was in it purely for the pure, unassuming and mysterious connection with another living being. It made my heart happy, and simply smitten with the idea of inter-species communication. 

Ever since then, my visits to any zoo have resulted in similar connections, and have ended with my kids getting impatient and eventually having to tear me away from the gorillas against my will, when I would have been content to stay with them forever. I can't contribute these magical visits to being a gorilla whisperer or being gifted in animal communication...  I'm lucky if I can get my dog to sit!   I think what's it's truly about is being present...  deeply present...  both with these amazing creatures as well as myself. 

a visit to the Louisville Zoo in 2009

So needless to say, I'm ready to go and see what the gorillas at the Knoxville Zoo are up to.  Evidently, there two new babies, born just a couple of months ago... I'm hoping for some time to see them and perhaps have a little game of peekaboo. 

In the meantime, I'm settling for some more domesticated animal bliss....  Friday, I'm headed out to the boonies to visit with an Equine Assisted Therapist. I'm so very excited about this, as I can't imagine there's any better way to get my head back on straight!  It's also given me the opportunity to become comfortable again asking for help, as I'm not sure I'll always be able to drive myself out there. Thankfully, a couple of friends have stepped up and offered to take me when I'm not up to it. I am so very grateful. 

Speaking of asking for help, I've been really loving being on the other end of that equation this last week or so, and being able to put my energy into helping others rather than into my own stuff. In just a few minutes, I'll be headed up to my neighbor's house to give Tinkerbelle the cat some medicine after she gave us all quite a scare a few days ago with what is now presumed to be just a little ole bee sting. With my neighbor being out of town, we spent most of Sunday at the local emergency vet with Tink, and now, that kitty and I couldn't be any more inseparable! What a gift after finding the other neighbor's dog last week... and what a beautiful reminder that helping is actually a priviledge, not a burden.