pariprashna

I had an appointment yesterday with Anne.... and once again, I was reminded how much of a spiritual journey this really is... learning to trust, be present, to know that ultimately all is well, even when I feel like in some ways I'm falling apart. I find that these appointments both completely overwhelm me and nourish me.... it's so comforting to sit down and explain what's going on to someone who is truly interested and is so very compassionate, who has been there herself and knows how this disease can wear us down to mere pebbles at times... and frankly, there aren't too many docs out there who will allow you to weep like a baby if you need to, and who will recommend some time with gorillas for healing. And yet, these appointments also offer me glimpses of what lies ahead, with rarely any answers... just more and more questions. In the yoga world, they call that "pariprashna".... a Sanskrit word meaning "unceasing quest and unfolding perspectives." There simply is no fancy finish line when (we think) we have all the answers... because one inquiry leads to yet another and so on. One can think of this as an exciting adventure in never-ending expansion, yes.... and that is the goal in its spiritual sense.... but gosh, this human I am somedays feels like it's a never-ending, nausea-inducing amusement park ride instead! So all in all, we need to figure out this tummy stuff that's been aggravating me for weeks now. The big question is, could it be the lyme itself causing these issues in my gut (this is fairly common for many folks, even though it's fairly new for me).... or is it c diff, which we have not yet been able to test for (it can be risky/dangerous to assume it's not without further testing)? To help us decipher which it is, I have an appointment with a gastro doc on Friday, and they might recommend a scope. Ugh! In the meantime, I'm boosting with some really heavy duty (and very expensive) probiotics, and by golly, they seem to be doing the trick (KNOCK ON WOOD). And if that's the case, they are worth every penny! Keeping my appointment though with the gastro, in hopes that I get to sit there and tell them it's been resolved. If I continue on the upswing, the plan is to restart treatment in two weeks... as long as my tummy is completely normal by then. At that point, after some tweaking in the antibiotic regime, if my body can't handle it and my stomach gets unhappy again, we will start talking about herbal protocols. There will always be other things to try..... I went to the first of a four-part series led by my friend Valerie on yoga for chronic pain last night.... and I can't tell you just how much that time eased things for me.... in my body, yes, but even moreso, in my heart. I had left yesterday's appointment feeling so defeated, so tired of all of it... so tired of fighting.... so tired of people saying to me, "but you look great!".... so tired of trying to figure things out.... so tired of the arm cramps and the swollen, painful toes and ankles, and the digestive crap and the stress of everything. My sweetie took the rest of the day off of work, and honestly, I didn't realize just how much I really needed her to do that... I did a fair amount of crying! When it was time to go to yoga, I was sorely tempted not to go. But I did. And to be around others who share similar challenges was a godsend. And being led back to my body in such a gentle, thoughtful way (when hours before, I just wanted to disown it), was just such a relief. It wasn't easy mind you. A couple of years ago, I could've done everything we did in my sleep without any trouble at all... but for this body in its current expression, it was rather tough, and I hadn't expected that. But even so, it still felt like I was being gifted something very special. And so I went with it. And I think it restored something in me mentally and soulfully. This morning, I sat and had a Meyers Cocktail drip in the IV suite that has become so familiar to me.... it's given me some energy today, which is so needed, as this is a huge driving day back and forth and back and forth to Asheville, and the heavy rain is just not fun to navigate. Only one more trip in a few minutes to get Zoe from school, and then we'll finally be able to settle in for the rest of the day. Thank goodness!