what will inspire happiness in me today?

We had a lovely vacation on Bald Head Island over spring break.... it was physically challenging in many ways, and the first day, it was like I was stuck in the middle of a nasty reality check, as the very steep stairs in our rental house became my arch nemesis, and our first long walks on the beach were anything but peaceful. But eventually, I found my old stubborn Taurus-y ways, and realized just how lucky I was to be there... the thing that helped the most was that we were visited by a pod a dolphins that came unbelievably close to shore, and were very curious about us. Some of you may know that I've done two open-ocean swims with wild dolphins, and they were so very life-changing... so the mere sight of these creatures automatically puts me in tears. It was very chilly outside-- upper 40s, lower 50s... and so of course, it was pretty unrealistic to dive in.... but at one point, Deena grabbed everything out of my arms and yelled, "Get in there!" Mind you, I was fully clothed, with my favorite pair of Merrills on.... but I waded in anyway, and the dolphins came even closer.... at one point, they were only 7-8 feet away from me. In that moment, I forgot about the frigid temperature of the water, the pain in my legs, the reality that my shoes were probably ruined.... and soon, the rest of the family joined me.... and we were all talking to the dolphins as if we'd been reunited with long lost friends! The walk back to the house was kinda sorta miserable, but SO worth it. No one wound up with hypothermia, and at that point, I felt like I could tackle just about anything. Perhaps the dolphins shared some of their healing magic, or perhaps I was able to see myself as I know my spirit truly exists..... wild and spontaneous, free and unstoppable. A couple of days later, we went kayaking in the salt marsh. I knew this would be a lot for me going in, and our guides warned us that it would be even more difficult than usual because of the wind... so they were prepared to tow me if need be. But with Zoe in the front and me in the back, we somehow were able to pull off TWO WHOLE HOURS of paddling! And it was amazing. A couple of times I had some pretty intense arm cramps, and I thought, shit, this is it.... but I took us getting caught up in the reeds as divine moments of rest, and was able to push through.... ;) By the end of our trip, I was pretty pooped to say the least, and the six-hour drive home in Easter weekend traffic was rather excruciating... I had been pulsing some Flagyl every few days while we were gone, and so that last night at the beach, we all piled into the giant bathtub there at our rental for a detox bath, and that seemed to have churned some things up.... but we made it home safe and sound with hearts that much fuller, and reminded (once again) that so much of healing happens not on the physical level, but on the soul/spirit level.... Being home is an adjustment. And life certainly hasn't returned to baseline (my new word for normal, since "normal" seems to always be changing!), as Noahs' been home sick. Today is my last day of pulsing the Flagyl (in hopes that this will have taken care of any remaining C Diff spores), and I go in to see Anne next week to re-evaluate things and plan to restart treatment hopefully. In the meantime, my tummy has been off kilter... not as bad as it was, but I have had a few pretty intense moments of nausea, which is my least favorite symptom of all time. The only thing that gets me through those moments is assuming that perhaps it's a herxing reaction as I'm killing off some of those little lyme boogers. I have also been noticing a bit more neurological stuff happening, which can certainly freak you out if you let it. I have been having a few dizzy spells, losing things left and right, and sometimes can't find the simplest words. Again, this could all be die-off from the Flagyl, or it could be a co-infection kicking in... After today, I'll be completely off of antibiotics for a week, and that should be quite telling. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with a friend whose daughter was just diagnosed with Lyme... unfortunately, she's far worse off than I and will probably have to travel to get IV antibiotics (she's the same age as Zoe!), but I think it helped both my friend and I to have that opportunity to express the craziness of this disease and the medical community's response to it. Support around this is truly hard to find. There are lyme support groups online that I have tuned into, but I seem to only be able to take it in spurts-- otherwise, it just disheartens me... and there's really not enough known about this disease, and so there are a bazillion different treatment protocols (both herbal and antibiotic) that folks feel quite strongly about, which makes my tired brain even more confused! Next month is lyme awareness month... and so I've decided to host a showing of "Under Our Skin" for our local friends here at our house. I've heard that the ticks are already out and about in Virginia.... and so I'm sure we're close to tick season here as well. My hope is to help others educate themselves about Lyme, as it is truly becoming quite a powerful epidemic... AND while it's tricky, there are things we can do to lessen our risk. All in all, vacation helped me to "take a break" from all of this... which I'm truly grateful for. Now I'm ready to step into my own healing on a different level.... it used to be that my guiding question for the day was, "what is the most loving thing I can do for myself today?".... and I loved that, but vacation made me realize just how much joy I was passing by.... I have been so worried and bound up in shooting for SUCCESS in healing, SUCCESS in my work, SUCCESS in mothering, SUCCESS in writing a book or completing a painting, SUCCESS in getting through the day, even-- that I have lost sight of the joy! Logistically, I was doing all the "right" things, eating all the right foods, taking all the right supplements, trying to fit in mandatory creative time each day, making sure to get some quiet time-- but I haven't been truly enjoying my life. That changes NOW. My new guiding question is, "what will inspire happiness in me today?" I'm getting back to journaling... painting and writing when I feel called to paint and write, instead of when I SHOULD paint or write... allowing myself to eat ice cream every now and then... making dates with friends... listening to guided meditations while getting my magnesium IV treatments... taking longer (even if slower) walks in the sunshine... and I am hoping to participate in a four-part Yoga for Chronic Pain series that my friend Valerie is holding, starting next week...